


Not Homework

by eddiespegnerti, sarah_harringtons_gay_jumble



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Bad Spelling & Grammar, Beverly is slightly gay because Sarah is slightly straight, Especially Ben, Everyone ships Reddie, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Group chat, Jealousy, Kissing, Marijuana, Multi, Richie is a sap, Richie’s weird thoughts, Sexual Humor, Swearing, sassy stan, shitty parents, vine references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 03:30:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13309503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddiespegnerti/pseuds/eddiespegnerti, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarah_harringtons_gay_jumble/pseuds/sarah_harringtons_gay_jumble
Summary: Eddie: leave me alone you dicksStan: Wow, Eddie, I bet that’s not something you say often





	1. The Losers Club

**Author's Note:**

> Sarah: Eddie, Stan, Bev  
> Me: Richie, Ben, Bill, Mike

(Sunday, 1:06 A.M.)

Rich: The lunch lady told me that I’m one of God’s mistakes

Stan: Well the good parts of you ran down your father’s leg, so she’s not wrong there.

Bill: Wow. Using my lines Stan?

Eddie: baHAHAA Stan dkdnjfdkkddjdj

Stan: Of course ;)

Mike: Can we please keep this PG guys?

Bill: You can leave anytime

Rich: *vomits*

Rich: Why do you hate me Stan??

Rich: I’m innocent

Ben: We all believe that Richie

Eddie: Ben means that no one believes you and you suck.

Bev: Bens too nice for all of us <3

Rich: Ouch, Eds

Rich: My heart can’t take the pain that’s been thrust upon it

Eddie: -_-

Bill: We get it you’re heartbroken

Stan: I will kms if you keep up the drama Richie. It’s getting old.

Rich: That’s what Eddie’s Mom keeps saying yet she still asks for more ;)

Eddie: I fucking hate you.

Mike: What happened to keeping it PG?

Bev: soft Eddie is dead

Bill: it’s never PG with Richie. Mike you know that

Mike: I didn’t know he was soft to begin with

Mike: and yes, sadly it’s all too familiar

Bill: I’m pretty sure Eddie came out of the womb giving Richie the middle finger

Stan: Nice one.

Rich: I wouldn’t blame him

Rich: because I was with her when he was still in there

Ben: ???

Eddie: Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.

Eddie: What the fuck Richie I’m going to block you

Rich: Oh Eds you’re always in our minds

Mike: mostly Richie’s

Bev: *high five*

Ben: haha Eddie is always in Richie’s mind

Stan: It’s pretty obvious. You practically drool over him.

Bill: Dude it’s like you’re a fucking bulldog

Rich: aww come on now

Rich: Maybe I’m just foaming at the mouth

Ben: Richie has rabies??

Rich: NO I DO FUCKING NOT

Mike: You’ll need a tetanus shot dude

Bill: which Eddie can provide ;)

Stan: More like Richie has Herpes. 

Eddie: Can you guys stop

Rich: NOW how The HeLL

Rich: WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN HERPES???? 

Bev: From all the moms you sleep with

Ben: Eddie’s Mom has herpes?

Eddie: OH MY GOD STOP MY MOM DOESNT HAVE HERPES

Rich: but she has CRABS

Ben: well then you would too, Richie

Mike: y’all infected

Eddie: Can you remove people from this group chat?

Rich: Eddie I don’t have crabs

Rich: Do I?

Bev: Eddie were you born triggered or was it a gradual thing

Bill: I can confirm born

Eddie: I’m putting this chat on do not disturb. 

Bill: so did Eddie give you a check up then? ;) 

Rich: EDDIE

Eddie: did someone say something bc I feel like I heard my name 

Ben: Guys I have a test tomorrow

Mike: let him sleep guys

Bev: Which class? 

Ben: Chem

Ben: and Geometry

Ben: and English

Bev: I’m sure you’ll do amazing on all of them :) 

Bev: if you wanna study I’ll be up for most of the night 

Bill: no

Rich: NOOO

Ben: sure

Ben: I mean yeah

Ben: I mean

Ben: Thanks Bev :)

Bev: haha cool I’ll call you in ten

Ben: sounds great

Bill: Get this hetero shit out of here wth

Stan: Same.

Mike: omg

Rich: tag teaming here

Rich: AM I RIGHT ;)))

Stan: shut up Richie. 

Rich: Stan you love me

Rich: I will kiss your noodle hair

Eddie: no one loves you Richie.

Rich: Fuck, Eddie

Ben: maybe call me in one minute?

Bev: sure thang

Ben: I need distracting

Rich: DISTRACTING

Stan: Richie what have you done to soft Eddie 

Rich: Eddie you need to get laid man

Ben: by Richie

Mike: Sidenote

Eddie: Why am I in this group chat

Bill: Still can leave anytime

Bill: Eddie is a special breed

Bill: with mature hair

Eddie: I think I’m gonna go to bed 

Rich: NO

Rich: NO

Rich: NO

Ben: I’m trying to talk to Beverly on the phone right now

Bev: srsly guys chill 

Bill: Richie

Bill: you’re about to make Ben explode

Bill: I don’t think you want that to happen

Stan: Soft Ben will turn into what Eddie is now. 

Mike: let the child speak

Rich: Eddie

Rich: Do I have crabs??

Mike: sorry

Mike: I thought for a moment you might profess your undying love

Eddie: You’re disgusting and I don’t understand why I was ever nice to you. 

Ben: Sorry Bev

Ben: I’ll call you back in a sec

Ben: my mom caught me on the phone

Rich: So what?

Ben: it’s 1 A.M. Richie

Bev: no worries! I hope I didn’t get you in trouble

Rich: it’s too late Bev

Rich: too late for you guys to ever hook up

Rich: R.I.P. Ben

Ben: I’m back

Ben: you’re fine Bev

Ben: you didn’t do anything wrong

Bev: phew that’s good :) 

Ben: :)

Stan: I’m gonna vomit.

Bill: just talk to me then :)

Stan: Sounds like a good offer. Wanna FaceTime?

Bill: Sure

Rich: Eddie

Rich: we should FaceTime, too

Mike: there was no wink face I’m confused

Mike: was that sexual??

Eddie: No thanks I’m good. 

Rich: :((

Eddie: Rich, unless you’re dying I don’t think you need to FaceTime me at 1 A.M.

Rich: Well then I’m dying

Bev: IS REDDIE GOING TO HAPPEN FINALLY 

Eddie: Jesus fine call me

Rich: FUCK YEAH

Eddie: and do not under ANY circumstance ever refer to us as REDDIE

Bill: it’s just funny to watch Eddie pretend like he hates Richie

Eddie: I thought we were friends Bill. 

Stan: he’s not denying it. 

Ben: *cough* Reddie

Bill: of course we are

Bill: I’m helping you with your future

Bill: I can see it

Mike: oof

Rich: what’s in that future?

Bill: gay

Stan: I can’t stand to watch you two drool over each other anymore. It’s annoying to hear the both of you talk about each other.

Eddie: ......no comment

Ben: *cough* Reddie

Bill: NO DENIAL

Mike: literally on both ends

Ben: Richie has barely said something for once

Rich: I have crabs dude

Stan: Mhmmmm

Rich: I’m sick

Rich: leave me alone

Bill: It sounds like Eddie’s up for giving you a check up

Stan: That’s Gay. 

Bev: Stan you’re gay. 

Stan: :o

Bill: Stan we’re gay wtf

Stan: omg what I didn’t know that!!!!

Bill: Stan WHAT

Rich: Dude

Rich: this guy on the TV is fucking hot

Eddie: Is anyone in our friend group even straight

Bill: what

Bev: AHEM

Ben: *cough*

Mike: the fuck??

Eddie: oh right the heteros. 

Rich: HA

Rich: LOSERS

Stan: speak for yourself. 

Mike: okay Stan

Rich: mike just roasted you

Rich: FUCKING MIKE

Bill: Rich, we’re all losers

Rich: Seriously tho guys this dude is super hot

Eddie: who?

Bev: awwww eddies jealous

Rich: Well this guy on TV

Ben: wow

Rich: but there’s this dude at school who’s pretty smoking

Ben: don’t ruin Reddie, Richie

Stan: who says he’s not talking about Eddie?

Mike: true

Eddie: if I had other friends I’d leave your asses. but I don’t so.

Rich: he’s like tall

Stan: I should’ve known. He’s talking about himself. 

Mike: lmao

Rich: NO

Rich: I’m honestly not that tall

Ben: !?!?

Mike: you’re 5’8 dude

Bill: the question is if Eddie’s jealous

Bill: show us a sign

Eddie: im not jealous that’s stupid 

Eddie: I don’t give a shit about who Richie fantasizes about okay? Can we drop it now 

Bev: alright calm down Eddie boi

Bill: don’t get so upset Eddie

Ben: what’s stupid is you’re not admitting it

Rich: did you ever think about if we’re related to seals tho?

Rich: I feel like they’re going to be us in the future

Rich: we started as monkeys

Rich: 2090 we’ll be deals

Rich: wtf unless you’re a prostitute lmao

Rich: Seals

Stan: Jesus Richie are you high? 

Bev: oh my god he’s right SEALS 

Rich: no I wish I was high

Rich: Mom decided to stay sober

Eddie: Everything alright?

Rich: Yeah

Rich: everything’s okay Eddie

Bev: Your gay is showing

Rich: it’d show more if I had some goddamn weed

Bill: why do you want it to show more?

Stan: Reddie is happening 

Eddie: you can come over if you need to. 

Rich: Thanks, Eds :)

Rich: Dude I’ll come over now

Bev: AH MY BOIS

Eddie: shut up 

Ben: *cough* Reddie

Eddie: my windows open

Rich: gotcha

Stan: and I thought it couldn’t get any gayer 

Rich: omw

Eddie: kk

Ben: Dude it’s 1:30

Rich: So what?

Ben: Bev

Ben: what’s the answer to number 7 on the chem homework? 

Bev: hold on lemme check 

Bev: it’s kinda long do you want me to explain it to you over the phone 

Ben: sure

Ben: awesome

Rich: remember that one time I tried to smoke that bamboo from the Barrens? Lmao

Ben: yeah

Stan: you’re an idiot Richie. 

Bill: I couldn’t tell if it worked

Bill: you always act like you’re high

Rich: Dude it wouldn’t even light

Rich: AH FUCK

Rich: CRAMP

Mike: were you running?

Rich: Yeah

Eddie: why are you running ???

Rich: haha that come

Rich: *vine I stg

Rich: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING!?

Bill: hah that ones funny

Bill: idk what it’s from tho

Eddie: wtf did you just fall I heard a yell down my street 

Rich: oh fuck it was that loud???

Rich: did it wake up your mom Eddie??

Eddie: nah she’s knocked out in front of the tv. Just get in here quick. 

Rich: oh I will ;)

Eddie: Fucking idiot stop texting and move your small ass

Rich: oh come on we all know my ass is HUGE

Bill: stop

Bev: gay Romeo and Juliet 

Rich: mom’s still asleep? 

Eddie: she just went to her bedroom so it should be fine 

Rich: but is she asleep?

Eddie: I can hear her snoring

Rich: okay I’m climbing up now

Mike: brb

Ben: Jesus this is real

Ben: Reddie

Rich: Jesus the fuck

Rich: your house is so much bigger than I remembered

Mike: back

Bill: where’d you go, Mike?

Mike: one of the sheep got loose

Mike: everyone was asleep so I handled it

Bill: you’re our hero Mike

Rich: should I continue texting in the group chat even tho I’m in your room now Eds?

Bill: duh

Eddie: why’re you asking me

Ben: you could’ve just asked him

Ben: if you’re literally in his room rn

Stan: Can you idiots go to sleep I won’t look good running on four hours.

Bill: you always look good Stan

Stan: Thanks bill. <3

Bill: <3

Bev: okay ship names so far Reddie And what do we call bill and Stan 

Eddie: stop with the Reddie

Bill: Eddie stop complaining

Bill: we know you love it

Bev: Ban or still hahah 

Ben: Bev fucking Stenbrough

Mike: ^

Bev: YES BEN

Stan: um no

Mike: Benverly??

Bev: okay that’s kinda cute tho 

Bill: yes

Eddie: okay I know it’s the Heteros but omfg I ship it

Rich: same

Ben: Yeah it is cute

Bill: confirmed???

Mike: nothing from Reddie = Reddie making out??

Eddie: you guys need to stop

Mike: what were you two up to?

Stan: he’s avoiding the question. Suspicious. 

Ben: Stan is suspicious of everything tho? 

Mike: okay I’m just generally curious

Eddie: richies just being annoying 

Rich: but you wanted me to come over

Eddie: I felt bad for you you asshat -_-

Stan: gay

Bev: you sound like a broken record Stan 

Rich: i tackled him lmao

Ben: o-kay...

Bill: why?

Rich: Idk

Eddie: I hate you

Rich: Eddie doesn’t have any more delicious deals tho so...

Rich: see ya later

Rich: jk

Rich: I know you’d miss my company baby boy ;)

Stan: baby boy? I just Fucking threw up in my mouth

Mike: still waiting for us to keep it PG

Ben: me too

Bill: me three

Bev: lol Richie wtf 

Eddie: im not even gonna answer this group chat anymore. Good night. 

Rich: Haha I’m literally with you tho

Mike: LMAI

Mike: lmao

Rich: Mikey’s using my new phrase

Mike: no I’m not

Rich: Laugh my ass IN

Bev: HAHAHAHA

Bev: IN

Mike: I corrected myself

Rich: accidents don’t exist brotha

Mike: gtfo Richie

Bev: we should prob get to sleep.

Stan: thank you and good night. 

Rich: come on Stan it’s only 2 am

Stan: only.

Ben: I have THREE TESTS

Rich: not me

Rich: I’m skipping tomorrow

Rich: Eds you in?

Eddie: no 

Rich: bummer

Rich: I guess I’ll just have to enjoy my time with you now

Bev: have fun guys ;)

Ben: sweet cuddles

Eddie: im not skipping school my mom will flip.

Rich: haha what is she a pancake!?

Stan: ur dumb. 

Stan: just had to say that. Going back to sleep now. 

Eddie: see ya guys

Mike: see ya guys tomorrow

Bev: Bright and early :) peace out 

Rich: NO

Ben: goodnight Bev

Bill: night guys

Rich: I’m quivering with betrayal.

Rich: :(

Eddie: Rich im literally right here so stop texting the group chat it’s late 

Rich: are we sharing your bed?

Eddie: dont we always

Eddie: and holy Jesus just fucking ask me im RIGHT HERE

Stan: gay


	2. Richie Likes Twinkies

(Tuesday, 4:10 P.M.)

Richie: These bitches are harmonizing the Star Wars theme

Richie: I joined in

Richie: one of them hit me with their backpack

Richie: I feel like Eddie would be a good singer

Mike: of course it’s Eddie

Richie: well we already know you’re a good singer Mike

Richie: so shush

Eddie: I sound like a dying animal

Stan: that’s bs Eddie stfu

Richie: not to me

Stan: I hear you sing about Richie all the time tho I can confirm that sounds like a dying animal

Bill: wait singing or speaking??

Eddie: shut up guys

Eddie: Why are we even talking about this?

Richie: you’re good at singing

Bill: ^ ;)

Eddie: you guys are way better

Eddie: so shush

Bill: pfft not me lmao

Stan: yeah you’re hot so it makes up for it

Bill: u cute <3

Richie: you listen to me speak

Richie: you think I’m gonna be good at singing??

Richie: no honey

Eddie: so are you guys dating or what?

Richie: true

Bill: I’ll let Stan answer that

Eddie: uh yeah I don’t really need to hear you to know

Richie: I’m trying to compliment you Eds

Richie: maybe say that I look good too ;) 

Bev: love how Bill and Stan don’t respond

Ben: ^

Mike: wait

Mike: you told Eddie he looks good??

Richie: wait what

Richie: I mean I won’t deny it but that wasn’t what I was saying

Bev: Reddie and stenbrough is happening right in our group chat

Mike: all at once

Ben: Richie you’re saying Eddie looks good?? 

Richie: I’m gay dude

Richie: I can see when someone looks like a snack *

Bill: wtf Richie

Eddie:... no comment

Mike: he’s probably screaming behind his phone rn

Stan: I can confirm he looks like a tomato

Mike: Eddie??

Mike: HA

Richie: red and juicy

Bill: STOP

Ben: wait are you two hanging out?

Stan: I can only take so much gay

Stan: yeah we are gossiping why

Ben: I want in

Richie: you Stan

Richie: I HOPE there’s a limit to all of your holes

Richie: you know

Richie: you can only take so much gay ;)

Stan: I hope you die in a terrible accident

Eddie: Damn Stan chill

Mike: wow Eddie’s defending him for once

Bill: Richie being born was a terrible accident

Bev: baHAHAHA BILL

Stan: tag teaming?

Richie: you know it ;)

Richie: but did I just get roasted by Bill Denbrough!?

Eddie: I’m not defending Richie.

Bill: we know you are Eddie it’s okay

Richie: don’t worry Eds

Richie: I’ll put on my safety helmet for you <3

Mike: how does Eddie look after that heart? Lmao

Eddie: you’re all disgusting

Ben: didn’t you actually buy him a safety helmet tho, Eddie?

Stan: I second that

Stan: except Bill ofc

Bill: ly

Mike: So are you dating or what?

Bev: yeah seriously wtf

Bev: ly???? =dating

Bill: for Stan to answer

Ben: so what are you two gossiping about? Anybody we know at school?

Richie: Stan do you have GamePigeon?

Stan: guess you’ll have to see and find out ;)

Stan: Right Eddie?

Eddie: ....

Stan: and no Richie lol

Richie: damnit

Richie: get it

Ben: haha I think I (not so subtly) have someone in mind

Ben: ^

Richie: this beauty mark I have is rlly dark wth

Richie: I think I might be black

Mike: Richie gtfo

Bill: cause he’s such a beauty

Bill: Right Eddie?

Eddie: why’re you asking me

Bill: because you’re his boyfriend

Eddie: shut the fuck up

Stan: watch it Eddie

Ben: Stan defending Bill?

Bill: no denialll

Richie: nice try there bucko, but I have a date tonight

Eddie: you’re going on a date?

Eddie: who’s the unlucky victim?

Richie: your mom ;)

Richie: no

Richie: that guy from school

Stan: so no one.

Stan: I bet you just made this up to make Eddie jealous

Eddie: Have fun or whatever

Richie: do you want me to cancel it?

Eddie: why would I care?

Eddie: go ahead

Stan: Eddie’s salty

Bev: there’s so much drama

Richie: seriously tho Eddie if you want me to cancel it

Bill: *hint hint* this is your chance?

Richie: we could just

Richie: hangout?

Eddie: you want to hang out with me? What about your date?

Richie: nobody’s making me go on it

Eddie: I mean, only if you want to

Richie: well what you want is what I want

Richie: let’s hangout

Richie: did you guys buy any Twinkies tho?

Ben: plz don’t make that sexual

Richie: oh but I looove Twinkies ;)


	3. We’re All Trapped Down Here

(Saturday, 4:36 P.M.)

Richie: Mike’s gonna hook me up with his family’s homemade cheese am I rite? ;)

Ben: do you ever actually get tired of this?

Mike: does Richie get tired?

Ben: true

Stan: I’ve been tired of Richie since the day I was born.

Eddie: wow Stan I’ve literally never related to you more

Mike: wow we had no clue

Bill: Mike’s sassy today ^

Eddie: There’s sass within everyone it just needs to be awakened.

Bill: Richie is the key lmao

Mike: we all know the only homemade thing Richie can make

Bev: wow wtf is happening in this group chat

Ben: ew Mike

Bill: Mike firing shots??

Eddie: I gotta say I’m proud yet disturbed

Bill: haha with Mike or Richie?

Ben: ew

Ben: sorry you’ve had to witness this Bev

Eddie: literally both

Ben: so you’re proud of Richie?

Eddie: wtf no

Ben: well you said you’re proud yet disgusted

Eddie: ugh nvm

Richie: well thanks Eds

Richie: you’re my favorite

Bill: that’s all you’re going to say?

Richie: what!?

Stan: you’re dumb

Richie: well what else do you want me to say??

Ben: ily...?

Eddie: wtf

Ben: guys I’m freaking out abt midterms

Bev: me too Ben me too

Bev: we should study together

Ben: we could do that again

Richie: YEAH WE COULD ;)

Ben: Richie stop harassing me because we all know you want to kiss Eddie

Bill: oh shit

Eddie: ew

Stan: Eddie stop being a dumb shit

Eddie: WTF STAN I’m not being a dumb shit Richie is

Bill: Stan is smart listen to him

Stan: :))

Eddie: Jesus Christ

Ben: Eddie we all know you were gossiping about Richie to Stan

Eddie: wow guys betraying my trust much? y’all can go suck a nut and choke

Bill: or you could !!!

Bill: I’m helping your future dude

Bill: you’re my best friend

Bill: I wouldn’t be a dick unless I had to be

Eddie: mhmm sure thanks

Stan: You should be thankful we are making shit happen and not just sitting around listening to you complain about Richie’s fake flirting. Which btw, is him actually flirting so...

Bill: Eddie

Bill: you don’t have to be worried

Bill: we’re all here

Bill: including Richie

Bill: he’s still your friend and always will be

Bill: nothing can change that

Eddie: why is this being texted to the fucking group chat

Mike: I stole Richie’s phone

Mike: I can delete it later lmao

Eddie: thank Christ for you Mike

Bev: imagine the fucking look on richies face if he saw this shit

Ben: honestly would pay to see Richie speechless for once

Stan: Pretty sure we all would.

Bill: oh yeah

Mike: so you see what we’re saying Eddie?

Mike: Richie likes you too

Bill: you’re both pretty obvious tbh

Eddie: sigh

Bev: but we aren’t going to force you to do anything either

Bev: it’s all your choice

Bill: of course

Bill: We’re not meaning to overwhelm you

Bill: I just really have a feeling

Bev: I just hate to see you look so disappointed

Stan: I’m gonna have to agree with them Eddie.

Ben: I’m on your side too buddy

Eddie: I’m just scared. I like him so much that it’s scary

Mike: why don’t you tell him?

Eddie: BECAUSE IM SCARED

Ben: why are you scared?

Eddie: idk bc I’m being exposed maybe

Bill: I’m sorry Eddie we can stop

Bill: Again we don’t want to make you uncomfortable

Bill: just let us know

Eddie: I just kind of want to forget about it for now

Bill: okay

Mike: I’ll delete this btw

Mike: if that makes you feel better

Eddie: uh yeah

Richie: Okay guys Mike stole my phone

Richie: so what did I miss??

Richie: had any good chucks while I was gone?

Bill: thank you Mike

Bill: we got a few seconds of peace

Stan: I can die at peace now because I got to have five minutes of no shithead Richie.

Ben: Stan can finally move on with his life

Richie: haha Stan’s literally that vine of the lady who throws the milk carton when the other one beeps her horn

Eddie: I see Stan more as the homophobic I’m gonna vomit guy

Bill: except with Benverly lmao

Bev: except with straight ppl in general lol

Ben: haha

Bill: well we know Mike is the croissant guy

Eddie: id be the guy who jumps and says “I’m gay”

Bill: or the one who jumps into the golf course water lmao

Mike: Richie’s like 10 of them

Ben: I’m so confused

Bev: lol Richie is the one who takes all the sodas and says “fuck you” after he drinks it

Bev: oh ben

Bill: Richie’s that times welcome to Chili’s

Mike: maybe Richie just is vine

Richie: ^

Ben: okay so these are vines

Ben: I don’t really watch them

Richie: oh but Ben you watch me all the time ;)

Ben: okay Richie

Ben: keep telling yourself that

Richie: you betcha my sweet prince <3

Stan: you guys are weird

Mike: should I steal Richie’s phone again? Lmao

Richie: try me bitch

Bev: I love u bitch

Richie: I ain’t never gonna stop loving you

Richie: bitch

Eddie: wow guys we are such cool friends

Mike: ^

Stan: Soft Eddie has made an appearance

Ben: cherish it now guys

Ben: and richie don’t speak

Bev: don’t worry I screenshotted

Bill: lmaoo

Bill: this moment will never be forgotten

Mike: should I throw Richie’s phone into the quarry?

Ben: yes

Bill: WHAT

Bill: Lmao

Stan: throw Richie into the quarry

Bill: LMAO

Ben: it’s kind of scary how Mike is pretty capable of that

Richie: Yeah Mike is ripped

Bev: Jesus I just love our guys

Eddie: I’m not saying any more soft Eddie things bc you’re going to screenshot

Ben: no plz do

Bill: idk Eddie, Ben asked you

Eddie: sigh

Richie: come on Eds

Richie: show us what you’ve got

Eddie: nope. I’m disgusted by you, you ruined it

Mike: Eddie you’re going to make Richie jump into the quarry himself

Richie: it burns!

Ben: don’t do it

Richie: too late

Bev: NO REDDIE

Mike: Richie’s dead

Richie: yeah

Richie: the pain was too horrible to bear

Ben: well at least Stan doesn’t have to hear it anymore

Eddie: or me

Mike: nice lie

Eddie: wow wtf Mike?

Ben: wow Mike is speaking out lol

Mike: no further comment

Eddie: I could literally leave the chat

Bill: I keep saying you can

Bill: what’s holding you back?

Eddie: IDK BILL FUCK OFF

Bill: ilyy

Stan: love ya too billy boi

Bev: well that’s fucking gay

Bev: not to say I’m not loving it

Bill: lol

Bill: Love ya Stan


	4. Wangs out for Johnny

(Sunday, 1:10 P.M.)

Richie: guys I just watched the room and I’m crying

Ben: wait

Ben: out of laughter?

Richie: no

Richie: I’m upset rn

Richie: WHY LISA WHY

Richie: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH

Stan: why do you have to be such a bitch?

Richie: Stan I’m going through something rn

Eddie: Doesn’t sound like anything important

Ben: we know it’s top priority on your list, Eddie

Eddie: Shut the fuck up you guys don’t even know anything

Bev: we love you Eddie

Bill: <3

Eddie: yeah sure

Bill: denial isn’t the proper way to deal with your struggles Eds

Eddie: don’t fucking call me that Jesus Christ

Stan: Eddie only likes it when Richie calls him that

Bill: sorry EDDIE

Eddie: leave me alone you dicks

Stan: Wow, Eddie, I bet that’s not something you say often

Bill: I love you Stan

Ben: omg

Eddie: fuck you

Stan: you like my pettiness ;)

Richie: don’t worry Eds

Richie: you can hang wit me

Bill: are you going to yell at him for calling you Eds? ^

Eddie: damnit Richie

Eddie: you’re not fucking helping asshole

Bill: Eddie doesn’t say that a lot

Ben: alright, we’re hitting the TMI zone now guys

Richie: oh yeah ;)

Richie: we’re hitting it real hard

Bev: ew

Ben: I’m sorry for this Bev

Mike: what about the rest of us

Ben: I’m sorry

Bev: obv ben loves me most

Mike: that’s pretty true

Ben: no

Ben: I just

Ben: Bev has to deal with all of us boys

Richie: ^

Bill: STOP

Stan: mhmmmmm sureeeee

Bev: lol I love you ben

Eddie: straight

Ben: I love you too

Ben: Beverly :)

Richie: wow a smiley face?

Stan: you’re the only straight people I ship

Mike: does anybody actually know how to respond correctly to their future lover here?

Bill: Stan approves now

Eddie: lol mike

Bill: Eddie I think he’s talking about you too

Eddie: -_-

Bill: not to mention you Richie

Richie: WHA

Stan: wow Richie’s literally so dumb

Richie: I’m not dumb I’m just still sick from the crabs u know

Mike: what happened to being dead

Richie: sorry I’m dead

Ben: it’s too late Eddie

Eddie: love how you act like I give a shit

Bill: I love how you act like you don’t

Eddie: fuck off you don’t know me

Bill: I actually do

Bill: forget I’m your best friend?

Richie: what about me!?

Bill: you’re his boyfriend that’s different

Stan: Maybe you guys should lay off Eddie for now

Mike: what’s wrong?

Ben: sorry Eddie

Ben: sometimes we can’t help ourselves, but we’ll stop for good now

Bill: okay sorry

Stan: I just think he needs a break from everyone ganging up on him

Bill: alright

Bill: we’re done Eds

Bill: Eddie

Bev: I think we’ve lost Eddie

Richie: Eds?

Richie: should I go check on him?

Stan: that would be the right gay thing to do

Richie: is he home?

Bev: probably his mom doesn’t let him out that much

Richie: alright

Richie: I’ll go over there

 

(Sunday, 2:23 P.M.)

Eddie: sorry guys I’m fine

Eddie: got caught up in some stuff with my mom

Mike: you sure you’re okay Eddie?

Bill: idk we didn’t mean to upset you

Bill: I’m sorry you had to deal with stuff from your mom too :(

Eddie: it’s fine

Eddie: let’s just talk about something else

Richie: did you guys try that new menu item from McDonald’s tho?

Ben: I’m more of a Wendy’s guy

Richie: of course you would be

Bill: yeah I have

Bill: it’s pretty good, but I don’t really go there anymore

Stan: only eat there if you wanna die

Richie: okay…

Richie: can we just address the elephant in the room here?

Richie: you guys were ganging up on Eddie, Eddie got upset, and then you apologized

Richie: what else is wrong?

Eddie: nothing’s wrong

Bill: again, I’m sorry Eddie we didn’t mean to upset you

Bill: you know us

Bill: sometimes we get a little in over our heads

Eddie: I know I’d rather just forget about it

Stan: so Bill...

Stan: you busy?

Bill: no, what’s up?

Stan: wanna hang?

Bill: sure :)

Bev: ow ow owwwww

Ben: what happened?

Bev: lol ben nothing I’m making noises at Stan and bill

Ben: oooh

Ben: sorry

Ben: I mistook that

Eddie: lol Ben you’re so cute

Richie: I’m sorry

Richie: WHAT

Eddie: you jealous?

Stan: I’m loving this

Bill: omg me too

Richie: yeah okay

Richie: sure

Richie: like

Richie: jealous that you’re flirting with Ben

Ben: shut up Richie

Eddie: wow Richie are you okay? You haven’t said something actually stupid in .2 seconds

Eddie: like I would flirt with ben

Eddie: chill dude we are friends

Ben: I’m sort of offended?

Eddie: ben if you were gay I’d be all over you

Eddie: but I ship you and Bev

Eddie: so

Stan: wtf is going on 

Richie: what

Richie: the

Richie: FUCK

Ben: I don’t know how to feel

Eddie: you should be honored

Bev: I’m just glad you’re gay eddie

Ben: well I guess I am but I’m straight

Bev: I like Ben too much for him to leave me for a man

Bill: Richie and Bev both jealous at the same time?

Ben: well

Ben: I won’t leave you for a man

Mike: stop this is actually cringey

Stan: are you loving this as much as I’m loving this?

Bill: this is great

Stan: YOU’RE GREAT

Bev: Stan your gay is showing

Stan: whoops

Mike: I guess you got lucky Richie

Mike: Ben’s got eyes for Bev

Richie: hah

Richie: yeah

Bev: Richie you gotta keep your man and my man off of each other

Eddie: I’m not Richie’s man

Eddie: and Jesus Christ I don’t have a thing for ben

Ben: where’s Stan and Bill?

Bill: heyyy

Stan: shut up assholes we are having a moment

Ben: oh?

Bev: if they’re finally making moves we should probably leave them alone this needs to fucking happen

Ben: true

Richie: we should go find them Eds

Bev: omg double date between stenbrough and reddie??

Eddie: uh I don’t want to find them on top of each other

Eddie: disturbing

Richie: come on we can get a smoothie after

Mike: (s)?

Eddie: you know I’m right here right?

Eddie: like just talk to me don’t Fucking text the chat

Richie: yeah I know

Richie: I like to make you mad

Richie: it’s cute

Stan: I can just imagine Eddie hitting him rn

Bev: he’s back!

Mike: what were you two up to?

Bill: nothing much

Richie: HOLY SHIT

Richie: you two were making out weren’t you!?

Bill: nooo

Bill: maybe

Stan: we definitely weren’t

Richie: I totally believe that

Bev: ow ow owwwww

Ben: hahaha

Bill: we just talked

Stan: fuck it just stop texting and kiss me dumbass

Richie: WHAT

Ben: okay

Ben: I guess we won’t be hearing from them anytime soon

Bev: OW OW OWWWW

Eddie: I love that

Richie: OWWWOOO

Eddie: only took them long enough

Bev: sounds a lot like two other guys we know

Ben: ^

Richie: well you two shouldn’t really be talking

Richie: you want to get that smoothie now Eds?

Eddie: I’m right here dumbass

Eddie: as long as it’s strawberry

Richie: it can be whatever you want

Mike: should I replace Stan on this one?

Mike: gay

Bev: baHAHAHAHA YES MIKE

Mike: :)

Eddie: anything I do is gay

Mike: like flirt with Ben?

Eddie: it was hypothetical okay?

Mike: I’m just helping you lure Richie in

Richie: omg

Eddie: was he not already lured in?

Mike: idk

Mike: you tell me

Richie: omg

Bev: Omg

Bev: sassy Eddie joining the party

Bev: YES

Bev: what a queen

Richie: awww

Richie: Eds, do you have a crush on me?

Eddie: you fucking wish

Bev: that’s Eddie for yes

Eddie: LEAVE

Eddie: This is stupid you’re texting me from across the table

Richie: do you want me to sit next to you?

Bev: this is the part where Eddie smacks Richie in the head and Richie sits next to him anyway

Ben: While Eddie doesn’t complain

Bev: they’re probably staring into each other’s eyes as they drink the milkshake with two straws in it like a couple of Love sick cuties

Ben: I ship it so much


	5. B-B-B-Barrens

(Wednesday, 2:06 P.M.)

Bill: so Richie invited me over and we’re watching the Hallmark channel??

Richie: I’m in a good mood rn Bill

Ben: omg

Mike: this is amazing

Bill: this one’s called Recipe for Love

Mike: is Richie in a good mood after hanging out with Eddie?

Bill: lol he’s not saying anything

Bill: thanks Mike

Bill: I was able to close my eyes for a second

Mike: np Big Bill

Stan: kinda jealous that you’re hanging with Richie

Bill: don’t worry

Bill: we can hangout tonight

Ben: ew

Ben: but I ship it so...?

Stan: cool cool :)

Eddie: Stan you’re losing your sass

Mike: lol

Richie: wow I’m being thrown to the curb here

Eddie: just bc you didn’t have attention on you for literally two seconds

Richie: yup

Richie: it’s like taking me off of life support

Ben: Richie is a very sick child

Richie: *man

Mike: HAH

Richie: what are you laughing at Mike?

Richie: not everyone is a ripped gorgeous giant like you

Eddie: at least you don’t look like an undeveloped fetus like me

Richie: stfu Eddie

Richie: you’re beautiful

Bev: Eddies dead

Bev: he’s combusted

Bev: all that’s left is oxygen and water

Bill: the world has imploded in on itself

Richie: who knew I’d start the end of the world

Eddie: can you guys chill

Eddie: thanks or whatever

Mike: or whatever

Bill: Eddie what are you up to?

Eddie: just

Eddie: listening to music

Eddie: hanging out

Mike: lit

Mike: well Richie’s watching Hallmark movies so…

Richie: I’m in a MOOD

Bill: so why do I have to suffer?

Richie: SuFFeR!?

Richie: you wound be Bilbo

Richie: and what rhymes with Bilbo?

Richie: Dildo

Richie: so fuck you

Eddie: lol that doesn’t even make sense

Bill: Richie that doesn’t even rhyme

Richie: well Stan can defend me on that one

Ben: aww this is cute

Ben: according to the rules of courtly love, the sight or presence of one’s beloved should cause palpitation of the heart

Mike: is that actually real?

Ben: this says it is

Bev: is anyone paying attention to the fact that Eddie lolled at Richie

Bev: and it’s funny bc my heart palpitates every time I see ben <3

Richie: I’m flattered Eds

Richie: Bev you don’t even have a heart

Richie: I’m jk ly

Ben: yeah

Ben: me too Beverly

Bill: Jesus get a room

Stan: seriously ew

Eddie: you guys realize half the time I say lol I’m not even laughing

Mike: back to square one on Stan’s views of Benverly

Bill: Eddie’s a rock dude

Bill: I stg tho even if Richie doesn’t write lol he’s cracking up

Ben: at least you felt some emotion Eddie

Eddie: there’s never a time when Richie can be serious

Richie: I can be serious

Bill: he’s literally dying right next to me

Richie: no I can be serious!

Richie: what serious things do you want to talk about?

Eddie: this is dumb I don’t like serious things

Stan: is Bill a serious topic?

Stan: I’ll talk about him

Ben: omg

Mike: you guys literally fall into gay booby traps every time

Bill: Richie’s laughing now because you said booby

Richie: can the fetal position be considered a sex position??

Bill: STOP

Eddie: you guys can be so fucking stupid sometimes

Bill: don’t talk to me

Bill: that’s all Richie

Bill: he’s actually rolling on the floor rn

Richie: what am I a BLUNT!?

Bill: basically

Bev: are you high

Bill: no he isn’t surprisingly

Richie: I might be

Bill: where did you get weed??

Ben: I think he’s high off of love

Stan: that’s gay

Bill: when is it not?

Stan: who do you think is the gayest gay in this gc

Mike: probably you tbh

Mike: like Bev’s said you’re like a broken record

Ben: we need a spectrum

Ben: Richie’s probably second

Stan: Idk Eddie’s pretty gay

Ben: it’s hard to tell because the three of them show it at equal amounts

Ben: should we have a contest?

Eddie: to judge how gay we are??

Bill: yes

Bill: well idk Richie watched the room and cried over it

Bill: and he also likes Hallmark movies

Bill: so that’s pretty gay

Ben: yeah

Ben: what about Eddie?

Bill: he listens to ‘It’s Raining Men’ on repeat

Mike: that’s a lot of gay

Eddie: excuse me

Eddie: I also like Pat Benatar

Eddie: and David Bowie

Stan: Eddie that’s still gay

Mike: Love is a battlefield?

Mike: still going with my first statement

Ben: so who’s more gay Stan?

Ben: I’d say you have the best judgement

Stan: well I’m gay

Stan: everything’s gay to me

Mike: REALLY !?

Ben: so which one’s more gay?

Richie: oh shit guys

Richie: I found a marker that smells like blueberries

Bill: that’s mine

Ben: so Stan?

Stan: Christ I hate that stupid song thunder it won’t stop playing like we get it now move on

Richie: wow Stan I like that song

Bill: do you want to call me Stan?

Stan: lol I could just come over

Bill: okayyy

Richie: I guess I’m leaving then

Bill: well unless you want to watch us make out

Richie: god I’m good

Bev: Rich you should just go hang with Eddie

Bev: BEN COME OVER

Bev: do you guys wanna meet up at the barrens later?

Ben: sure why not

Mike: yeah I can be there in 20

Bill: me and Stan will come

Bev: cool

Richie: I’m gonna stop by the pharmacy to grab some snacks

Richie: anybody up to come?

Mike: I’ll come with you

Eddie: I have to stop by and grab some prescriptions anyways so I’ll meet you guys

Richie: okay

Ben: good luck Mike

Mike: lol thanks

Bev: you’re totally gonna be third wheeling

Bev: make sure to take pics

Mike: I’ll buy some film at the pharmacy

Bill: Mike has to sit through sexual humor and sexual tension

Mike: don’t worry

Mike: Eddie’s already blushing big time

Eddie: shut up it’s hot outside

Mike: Richie’s already trying to kiss his cheek too

Stan: ewwww

Bill: lol

Mike: Richie paid for Eddie’s meds

Mike: even though Eddie has an account here

Richie: well I’ve got to get rid of my money somehow

Richie: it’s hard being a trillionaire

Richie: besides

Richie: I don’t want Eddie to have an attack while we’re hanging out

Ben: I?

Bev: Rich is such a sap

Bill: he’s in looove

Richie: no I’m just helping a friend out

Stan: “friend”

Eddie: I feel like nowadays this gc only consists of you guys egging us on and me telling y’all to shut the fuck up

Eddie: so shut the fuck up

Ben: alright we’ll give you privacy, let’s just get to the Barrens

Mike: I stole Richie’s phone again so take this moment while you can

Stan: Richie’s annoying

Stan: and dumb

Stan: okay I’m good now

Bill: that’s it from you?

Stan: I don’t really give a shit bc I’m with you now

Bill: <3

Ben: Eddie what’s wrong?

Ben: idk if it’s Richie, but is there something else that’s been going on with you?

Ben: you just seem really angry

Ben: we don’t mean to upset you, but just know that we’re here if something’s been going on at home

Eddie: I’m fine I’m just kind of annoyed bc you guys keep asking what’s wrong and there’s literally nothing wrong

Ben: well I know we’ve been annoying you, but you don’t need to be embarrassed about liking Richie around us

Ben: he is in the group chat, but if you keep denying some things, what you want won’t happen any sooner

Bev: okay that’s enough ben. I love you but things need to happen on their own for Eddie

Ben: okay but I’m just trying to help

Richie: what’s happening on their own for Eddie?

Mike: Shit

Mike: Richie give me your phone back

Mike: sorry guys I got it

Mike: forgot to delete that one

Eddie: it’s fine

Stan: or Eddie for “fuck you”

Mike: I’m sorry that was an actual accident

Mike: I’m giving him his phone back now tho

Bev: is Mike actually Jesus?

Bev: bc I feel like he is

Bill: yes

Richie: I just texted my mom and told her that I’m getting her life alert for her birthday

Eddie: Rich can I come over?

Richie: yeah of course Eds. Just give me a few hours

Stan: okay either Eddie is possessed or something’s wrong

Richie: Yeah is it okay if we leave guys

Bill: yeah we should probably get home anyways

Bill: it’s getting dark

 

(Today, 5:32 P.M.)

Eddie: I came out to my mom

Eddie: she isn’t really taking it well

Eddie: I don’t think I want to deal with it right now

 

(Richie > Eddie)

Richie: tell me what happened

Eddie: well I came out to my mom

Eddie: and she started yelling at me

Eddie: so I ran out of the house

Eddie: and I don’t really want to go back

Richie: Gee Eds I’m sorry

Richie: where are you now?

Richie: why would she yell at you?

Eddie: because she’s fucking homophobic

Eddie: she thinks of it like all the other diseases she tries to convince me I have

Richie: well you don’t believe that

Richie: do you?

Eddie: no

Eddie: it just makes me sad

Richie: I’m sorry Eddie

Richie: just know that we’re all here for you

Richie: Your Mother can’t control how you feel

Richie: be proud of that

Eddie: thanks rich

Richie: of course Eddie Spaghetti

Richie: don’t ever let anybody tell you that you’re sick

Richie: especially not your mom

Richie: because you’re way more than just small and weak

Richie: you mean a lot to me

Richie: you mean a lot to all of us


	6. PIZZA

(Thursday, 6:21 P.M.)

Richie: guys I rlly want a pizza rn

Eddie: I’m babysitting

Eddie: I don’t have time for this

Richie: you babysit??

Eddie: unfortunately

Richie: children???

Eddie: yeppp :/

Eddie: at least I’m not at home

Eddie: and to these kids gay is nothing so that’s cool

Richie: littt

Richie: haha I’m at Frankie’s rn and I’m pretty sure I took a bite out of his sister’s lush scrubby???

Richie: AHHH

Bill: why are you at Frankie’s? That kid is gross

Richie: he said he had herbage

Richie: why?

Richie: did you think I was gonna make out with him?

Richie: I can if you want me to

Richie: but he isn’t my type

Eddie: ew

Stan: I’m gonna agree with Eddie on this one

Stan: ew

Richie: SHHH clam down I’m not gonna

Richie: I like somebody anywaysss

Stan: Hm I wonder who he’s talking about

Richie: my mouth is all bubbly

Mike: well you ate a bath scrub

Richie: it lookeD LIKE BUTTER MIKE

Bev: what the hell

Stan: love how he avoids conversation about love

Richie: what do you want to talk about Stan?

Richie: I can talk about love

Stan: ew no

Stan: unless we are talking about bill

Richie: oooh

Richie: you’re so gay

Richie: we’re all so gay

Eddie: except the heteros

Richie: yeah

Ben: I can’t tell if Richie gets more chill when he’s high, or worse

Bill: Richie you’re high?

Richie: pffft

Richie: yeah

Bev: save some for me yeah

Richie: not mine

Bev: well then buy some you dumb shit you owe me

Eddie: ik this is a lot unlike me but do you guys wanna, like, get high together?

Eddie: bc if I were to try it I wouldn’t want to do it alone

Richie: ayyy

Richie: my Eddie Spaghetti wants to get highhh

Eddie: shut up Richie

Bill: my??

Eddie: I just feel like doing something stupid after this shit with my mom

Ben: I’m sorry Eddie

Mike: yeah me too

Richie: I can try and sneak some

Richie: but I might have to make out with him

Mike: how does that make any sense?

Richie: idk the weeds on him dude

Eddie: can’t you just buy it off of him?

Stan: Richie’s too cheap to buy it

Richie: he’s too lazy to buy moar

Bill: that doesn’t mean you have to make out with him tho?

Bill: just hug him or punch him or something

Richie: that’s weird

Richie: and I don’t want genital herpesf

Richie: gotta be descreet

Bev: Richie I’m pretty sure if he’s sharing his weed he has a whole fuckin stash on him

Bev: just go into his drawers when he’s in the bathroom

Richie: jeez I can’t just get frenched??

Bill: no

Stan: if you do I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear about it bc that’s disgusting

Bill: that’s fucking disgusting

Stan: wow great minds think alike

Richie: TAG TEAMING

Eddie: gay love tag teaming <3

Bev: wow everyone’s gay is showing

Richie: including Frankie’s LMAI

Ben: what

Richie: I already did it so let’s go get high

Bill: now I’m here to say it

Bill: you’re a fucking dumbass Richie

Stan: just don’t expect Eddie to answer after pulling that kind of shit

Richie: I’m doing this FOR him Stan

Richie: just taking a bullet

Ben: you’ve got it the wrong way Rich

Bev: if Ben made out with someone I’d be pissed

Bev: just saying

Richie: Fine

Richie: I’m sorry Eddie ily bby

Richie: I did this for the both of us

Richie: it’s a hard life here in the town of dairy

Eddie: you’re high asshole

Stan: wow Richie you’re literally the dumbest person I know

Stan: get your shit together

Richie: UGH

Richie: I just

Mike: Richie?

Richie: I’m tired of doing this Eddie

Richie: you’re just so smart nd beautiful

Richie: I don’t like to c u hurting

Richie: and I’m not helping

Eddie: you realize everyone can see this right?

Richie: oh shit

Richie: ahahahaha

Richie: whoops

Mike: took you long enough

Bill: the gay is really showing

 

(Eddie > Richie)

Eddie: do you wanna just come over?

Richie: sure!

 

(PIZZA)

Stan: lol I’m assuming they’re working their shit out

Bill: hopefully

Ben: it’s exciting to see that something’s happening

Bev: we’ve literally been waiting for like what?

Bev: ten years

Ben: ^

Richie: we’re still here lmao

Bill: how’s it going?

Richie: well I’m not as high anymore

Richie: sorry about that

Ben: it’s fine

Ben: made shit happen hopefully

Stan: well if you guys end up dating lmk we can go on double dates

Stan: also I think it’s fair if we set mike up with someone

Mike: haha okay

Mike: Ben and Bev too

Bev: how do you feel about Christina in our chem class???

Mike: idk I kind of liked that girl Karen

Ben: really? Karen?

Mike: yeah. She’s really kind

Bev: broooo I have Karen’s number

Bev: if you don’t hit her up I will

Mike: oh god then I’ll hit her up

Richie: mike’s getting laiddd

Bev: shut up Richie not everyone cares about getting laid 24/7

Ben: speaking of that... Are you, Richie?

Richie: fuck off

Mike: Hey Bev

Mike: do I need to hit Ben up for you then?

Bev: lol no I’m my own person thanks

Mike: well go ahead :)

Bev: go ahead what????

Mike: talk to Ben

Bev: oh lol I already do

Mike: I meant TALK to him

Ben: what’s going on?

Bev: I think everyone wants everyone to get laid

Bev: y’all gotta chill me and Ben are a slow burn bitches

Ben: omg

Bev: sorry lol tmi???

Ben: no uh

Ben: I like you too...?

Bev: haha I know silly!!!!!

Bev: I’m a v obvious flirt

Ben: :D

Mike: how’s it going Eddie?

Eddie: it’s fine lol

Richie: fine!?

Eddie: I’m not gonna give you every damn detail of my life

Eddie: so chill

Eddie: dude they don’t need to know every little thing

Mike: just asking how you are chill

Mike: updates

Mike: friendship

Eddie: -_-

Bill: Me and Stan are dating :)

Ben: did anybody notice how Stan is such a sass around us, but a real sap around Bill?

Mike: oh definitely

Mike: Bill calms him

Bill: lol

Mike: sorry Bill we’re not surprised

Mike: just happy for you two

Bill: thanks Mike

Stan: yeah no shit guys

Stan: I didn’t make it obv or anything

Mike: lmai

Mike: shit

Mike: not again

Richie: YEAH MIKE

Mike: Richie

Mike: no

Eddie: I love you guys

Mike: <3

Bill: soft Eddie has risen again

Bev: I wonder who did that :)))

Eddie: shut up Bev you don’t know anything

Ben: awww

Eddie: well actually

Eddie: nope nope nope not doing this

Ben: tell us Eddie

Ben: we won’t judge

Eddie: tell you what exactly lol

Richie: about how we made sweet sweet love Eds

Eddie: I don’t think I need to tell you guys that that definitely didn’t happen

Bill: idk do you?

Bill: what happened Eddie?

Eddie: idk bill did you and Stan have sex yet?

Bill: just tell us

Eddie: okay you guys gotta stop being so damn invasive

Eddie: nothing bad happened

Eddie: I’m not dead

Eddie: and for those of you wondering I’m still a Virgin

Ben: well you keep implying that something happened

Ben: spit it out

Eddie: we had a therapy session

Eddie: talked about feelings

Eddie: listened to Hayley Kiyoko

Eddie: or as some of you know lesbian Jesus

Eddie: that’s it

Ben: so you united in the gay

Richie: yes

Richie: not physically

Richie: ;)

Mike: wait so is that a lie

Richie: NO

Richie: WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX

Richie: WE JUST KISSED

Bill: omg

Richie: shit

Eddie: wait what we did??

Eddie: you sure it wasn’t my mom?

Richie: oh shit maybe that was a dream

Ben: awww

Eddie: lol you have dreams about me

Stan: that’s gay

Ben: that’s adorable omg

Ben: Richie’s so in Love

Bev: Richie’s dead

Bill: it’s too late Eddie

Bill: you can’t kiss him now

Richie: *dead*

Ben: true love’s kiss will wake him?

Eddie: ew stop

Bill: you’ll only make Richie happy

Eddie: gross

Richie: oh come on

Richie: love me Eds

Eddie: I’m not gonna love u in front of a whole group chat

Richie: oh so you will?

Mike: good

Mike: finally

Richie: my dreams consist of Eddie, and Elton John pretending he’s a hamster

Richie: make one of them come true

Bill: wtf

Eddie: my dreams consist of me strangling all of u

Eddie: except Bev, ben, and mike

Bill: triggered

Bill: Stan too?

Richie: do you know de way

Mike: appreciate it Eddie

Bev: EW

Bill: yeah okay don’t kiss Richie

Bill: he’s cancer

Richie: I can be whatever you want me to be baby

Eddie: dead

Ben: the one time Bill tells you not to kiss him

Ben: cherish it now

Bev: LOL EDDIE WANTS RICHIE DEAD

Ben: omg

Richie: one dream brutally crushed by the man himself

Richie: the love of my life

Richie: Eddie Kaspbrak

Ben: now Eddie wants to kill him even more or he’s just a pile of putty

Eddie: you guys know me so well :)

Mike: haha

Mike: so a vicious pile of putty

Stan: I’m loving the new you Eddie

Stan: we should hang out and talk about how much we want to kill Richie

Mike: you already do in this group chat

Stan: WHATEVER

Ben: this is becoming a hobby now you guys

Richie: come on give me a smooch Eds

Richie: Eddie Spaghetti

Richie: spaghetti head

Richie: sexy thang

Mike: he can’t hold back now

Richie: I’ve been approved by the federal agencies Ben: of pot?

Richie: precisely

Eddie: lol wow feeling the love

Richie: should I host a scavenger hunt so Eddie can find the weed?

Richie: tell him the last clue is in my ass?

Richie: better dig for it

Ben: is the weed in your ass?

Richie: of course not

Richie: then it’d be all dry

Ben: tmi

Stan: your boyfriend is disgusting Eddie

Eddie: you say that like it’s news to me

Bill: no denial!

Ben: So are you two dating, and are we doing that double date?

Eddie: idk are we Rich?

Richie: heck yeah!

Bill: sounds good to me

Richie: I’m up for it

Richie: with my new boyfriend <3

Ben: Richie, you’re actually a big sap

Richie: look who’s talking

Eddie: you are a big sap Rich

Eddie: but that’s why I love you :)

Bill: Richie probably just melted

Richie: I love you Eddie

Eddie: I’d rather be saying this to your face rn

Eddie: are you home?

Richie: get over here

Eddie: omw

Stan: as much as I hate Richie, I’m glad to finally see some gay shit from these two

Bev: what are you talking about we’ve always seen gay shit between these two

Bill: haha true lmao

Mike: have fun finally making out lovebirds

Mike: let us know if it was even better than you expected

Richie: kk

Stan: I don’t want to hear about that

Stan: speaking of

Stan: bill I’m in the mood to make out

Bill: haha you can come over

Richie: but wait

Richie: is Bill Nye an actual scientist

Richie: or is he an actor?

Mike: is that really the first thing that comes to mind when you started to make out with Eddie?

Richie: besides this is the best day of my life?

Richie: yes

Eddie: he’s obv an actor

Eddie: now get off your phone

Richie: gladly

Bev: awwwww Soft bois

Ben: so gay

Stan: only I can say that

Mike: why did I know Stan was going to say that?

Bill: back off he’s mine

Richie: I read mime for a second lmai

Richie: okay Stan

Richie: what do you think Bill Nye looked like as a baby?

Bill: Eddie’s gonna break up with you dude

Eddie: EVERYONE STOP TEXTING

Eddie: I’ve missed out on kissing him for idk TEN YEARS so let us have some fucking peace

Eddie: that includes you rich you’re not helping

Mike: I think Richie is a drug for Eddie

Bev: lol we are all each other’s drug

Bill: lmao

Mike: well get it all out now

Mike: I don’t feel like watching you guys leave to go make out in the bathroom

Richie: shit

Richie: you soiled my plans Mike

Eddie: mike you should talk to Karen

Bev: YEAH MIKE

Mike: I will I promise

Mike: I was actually going to TALK to her tomorrow like a decent human being

Richie: you are a decent human being Mike

Bev: Mikes the only decent human being in this group chat

Bev: wait never mind ben is too

Ben: you are too Bev

Bev: thanksssss

Ben: np :)


	7. Richie is Getting Flayed

(Friday, 8:00 A.M.)

Mike: so where do we want to go?

Mike: Karen’s on board

Richie: oooh Mikey’s got a girlfriend

Mike: plz don’t call me that

Ben: you know it’s bad when Richie can ruin soft Mike

Eddie: did we not agree on the diner?

Eddie: I want some damn fries

Bev: Eddie you’re my spirit animal

Ben: Eddie really wants those fries

Stan: I want fries

Bill: I think we all do

Ben: so excited

Richie: awww you and Bev

Eddie: it’s kinda weird that we all ended up dating each other and Mike has a date too

Mike: yeah it is weird Eddie lol

Ben: wait so

Ben: me and Bev are dating?

Stan: hmmm

Ben: I mean

Ben: I would like to

Bev: lol I just assumed

Ben: well then okay

Ben: great :)

Richie: haha Ben’s dead now

Richie: payback

Mike: don’t ruin it Richie lol

Eddie: lol bens so fucking chill I can’t

Bev: you guys are weird

Ben: what time are we doing this?

Bev: I’m not good at choices

Mike: 5?

Richie: I’m good with 5

Richie: come on guys

Richie: nugs

Richie: not drugs

Mike: it’s funny that you’re saying that

Richie: don’t judge me Mike

Ben: who knew Eddie would date a stoner?

Richie: I’m not a stoner!

Bill: you look like one lmao

Richie: haha

Richie: fuck you Bill

Bill: I’m just kidding

Richie: well Eddie still has to get high anyways

Mike: you’re not doing anything during the date tho I stg

Mike: you guys wanted me to have a girlfriend so badly

Mike: don’t start scaring her away now

Richie: don’t worry mike your precious girlfriend will be safe around us

Mike: I honestly doubt that

Mike: but I’ll risk it

Bill: mmm protective Mike is hottt

Ben: Bill stop

Ben: Stan will literally erupt

Ben: it was just on my mind, but

Ben: besides Eddie, has anyone else really come out to their parents?

Bill: I’ve tried

Bill: there hasn’t been a right time yet

Richie: yeah I’m not planning on it

Richie: I doubt my parents want to hear about how their already fucked up son is also gay and in love with his best friend

Bill: who says you’re fucked up?

Richie: my parents

Richie: literally

Ben: what happened??

Richie: parents caught me sneaking out of my window with a blunt between my teeth? Lmao

Bill: wait so then what happened?

Richie: wtf this soap smells like chlorinated semen lmao

Ben: Rich?

Bill: I guess he’s not talking about it anymore

Ben: I’m sorry Rich :(

Richie: so who do I have to succ to get a Coke around here?

Mike: I’ll buy you one if you come with me to deliver the meat?

Richie: yeah I’ll come deliver meat ;)

Mike: just no

Bill: Mike’s about to chop your meat Richie

Richie: Rip

Richie: poor Eddie

Richie: I know he’ll miss it

Eddie: you barely have any to start with

Bill: OOH BURNNN

Mike: nice one Eddie lmao

Ben: Eddie has no mercy

Stan: well damn jackie I can’t control the weather

Stan: sorry you said burn and all I could think of was kelso

Ben: lol

Bill: Stan you’re so cute

Stan: squeak

Mike: Stan is dead

Ben: he just loves Bill so much it’s adorable

Bill: well I love him even more <3

Richie: bleh

Richie: you guys are cute

Richie: but that’s just gross

Bill: well it’s gross for us when you’re always fawning over Eddie

Richie: I’m kidding

Richie: ugh my parents are so annoying tho rn

Ben: what’s up?

Richie: well they keep nagging me about hanging out with Eddie too much

Richie: like

Eddie: bc it’s kinda gay

Richie: yeah but

Richie: there’s no such thing as hanging out with somebody too much

Richie: and now they care??

Mike: I hate to be the bearer of bad news

Mike: but they are probably getting suspicious

Richie: whatever

Richie: fuck them


	8. High Bois

(Thursday, 5:48 P.M.)

Richie: Relationships are hard

Ben: what's up?

Richie: Eddie wants HALF of our pizza to have mushrooms on it

Bill: R.I.P.

Mike: I thought you liked mushrooms?

Richie: not the kind you put on a pizza!

Bill: omg richie stfu

Eddie: did you guys know

Stan: what

Eddie: nvm I can't remember what I was gonna day

Eddie: it was going to be really interesting tho

Bev: lol Eddie r u high

Eddie: nah son

Bill: son??

Ben: I think he is

Bill: Eddie what were you going to say?

Ben: This will be interesting

Eddie: I used my cat to mop up the water I spilled

Eddie: HAHAHAHA

Ben: You have a cat??

Bill: Eddie you don’t have a cat

Eddie: oh

Eddie: then what was that fluffy thing I just used to clean up water

Richie: MY HEAD YOU DINGUS

Mike: Well I guess you’re facing the consequences now Richie

Richie: Of WHAT??

Mike: Getting Eddie high

Ben: lol

Eddie: Richie looks like a toad

Richie: FUCK YOU

Bev: I wish I was high

Bill: omfg a stoner toad

Ben: AHAHAHA

Bev: I'm just watching pulp fiction and eating those sweetheart conversation candy things

Stan: we are all toads

Mike: K Stan

Bill: That sounds lit Bev idk what you’re talking abut

Richie: I’m triger

Stan: we are all trigger

Eddie: THE CAT FARTED

Mike: Really Richie?

Richie: I’m gassy when I’m HIGJbj Fuck offfff

Bev: wow you guys are so entertaining

Stan: lol Richie ur a pussy

Ben: I’m confused

Mike: I think Stan’s just trying to find ways to insult Richie

Ben: I think Stan secretly likes Richie

Ben: But as a friend tho

Ben: Obviously

Bill: I wouldn’t make high Eddie jealous Ben

Eddie: BAHAHAHAH

Eddie: richies a pussy

Richie: How am I a pussy?

Bev: Richie ur so dumb

Bev: you're a cat

Bev: therefore ur a pussy

Richie: OHHH

Richie: You got me there

Bill: So are you two now just getting high and ordering pizza?

Richie: I’m fading in and out

Richie: Eddie’s more high than I am

Mike: Didn’t think that was possible

Ben: lmao

Bev: o shit

Bev: this movie is fuckin crazy

Ben: What happened?

Ben: unless you’re spoiling something

Richie: We’re watching a scary movie and Eddie’s literally screeching at all of the jump scares

Richie: Who’s the pussy now?

Bill: Still you

Bev: like four people have died

Bev: and they're all snorting coke

Bev: and now uma therman is dancing

Bev: I get why they sing about her in that song now

Richie: ew make it more gay

Mike: is Bev being gay tho?

Ben: wtf

Bev: let a girl have her gay moments in peace jesus

Bev: you guys are gayer than a rainbow

Bev: I still love you ben

Ben: <3

Mike: You good girl

Richie: I’m happy

Richie: Eddie actually brought over some delicious deals

Bill: of course you’re only happy when you have food

Richie: who says Eddie’s not food?

Ben: *vomit*

Stan: I'm bored

Stan: you guys want to hang?

Richie: Sure but I’m with Eddie rn boi

Bill: I’m always down

Stan: your place or mine

Bill: Up to you

Eddie: steamy

Eddie: bills down

Eddie: does that mean he's a bottom

Mike: Oh God

Ben: Who is this Eddie?

Ben: Richie never let him get high

Ben: Ever again

Richie: LMAO

Richie: Nice one

Richie: That’s my Eds

Bill: I’m just not going to speak in this anymore

Bev: wow

Bev: I'm still trying to figure out what I just watched

Bev: Richie I'm coming over

Richie: Kayy

Bill: Now we’re going to have 3 high people

Bill: All in one chat?

Ben: I’m afraid so

Bev: Ben I'm picking u up sweetie

Stan: I wanna go

Ben: Alright

Ben: But I’m not doing anything stupid

Bill: We can go Stan

Richie: Partay

Mike: I guess I’m making my way over there too

Richie: Yasss Mike

Bill: Where do you guys get all of this weed anyways?

Mike: Obviously from bribing Frankie with tongue

Richie: stfu

Ben: LMAO

Ben: We’ll never let that go Richie

Ben: you were being a douchebag

Bill: Ben’s calling you out omg

Richie: I’ve never been more triggered in my life

 

(Friday, 7:39 A.M.)

Richie: I hate going to school the day after you get high

Richie: it's so annoying

Richie: because I still never know what the fuck is going on

Mike: I wonder how Eddie's doing then

Bill: probably dead inside

Mike: or actually dead

Richie: EDDIE


End file.
